Can you get cooperation and fix a marriage when you are both so different? Absolutely!
Most married couples have difficulty solving their relationship problems because they don’t find common ground. Because they have different goals, they end up trying to justify their position while blaming the other. Rather than solving problems and fixing a marriage, this just causes resistance and distance.
Most married couples have difficulty solving their relationship problems because they don’t find common ground. Because they have different goals, they end up trying to justify their position while blaming the other. Rather than solving problems and fixing a marriage, this just causes resistance and distance.
A Change in Perspective is Necessary
I can agree wholeheartedly that we need to deal with the affair, the separation, the fighting, the distance, the silence, the roller-coaster relationship or any other destructive behavior that is going on. But, we can’t fix the marriage problems by hammering spouse with facts about how they are bad or good.
Finding Common Ground for Fixing Your Marriage
Finding common ground turns out to be important for all of the stages of marriage improvement. Common ground is important at first, just to help you to emotionally connect.
It’s understandable to be self-focused, but it’s not helpful. You can try to understand your spouse even if you don’t agree with his or her behavior. For example, you wouldn’t agree that your spouse should be leaving you, but you can agree that you wouldn’t want to stay in an unhappy marriage. You also couldn’t agree with a spouse’s affair, but you could agree that everyone wants to feel loved and special. This kind of common ground is called empathy. It helps us to not see our spouse as an evil person hellbent on destroying our lives and making us miserable. The boundaries can do the job of being tough, protecting you, and dealing with the behavior. But, your language can emphasize understanding and agreement on at least some aspect of your spouse’s behavior. If someone is unwilling to do this, they are internally torn between the desire to reconcile and the desire to exit the marriage. That internal conflict needs to be resolved before marital conflict can be resolved.
After Connection and Respect Have Been Built, Cooperation Is Next
When there is mutual respect, almost any kind of cooperation will help fix a marriage. After all, cooperation is really working with someone to get something we both want. It’s not negotiation or compromise which result in us both losing something we don’t want to. Cooperation, not compromise, builds marriages. Sharing goals and working together naturally creates closeness. For example, maybe you don’t want to fight and your spouse doesn’t want to fight. That is common ground! All you need to do is to flip it around in a more positive way. Arrange a meeting between yourself for a small outing. May be some Coffee and get along. The goal of such a meeting would not be to address any big issues or change anyone’s mind, but simply to get the process of cooperating going. Such simple, positive meetings, without expectations or hidden agendas, can really do a lot to start the ball rolling again. The big problems are not likely to stop at that point, but they will be one big step closer to that.
To Fix a Marriage You Need to Be Active
Never say He/ She is improving...
Nor will you find any mention of manipulating a spouse into doing something. One person can, by overcoming their own insecurities, and communicating with both love and strength, gain the respect and love of their spouse again. It does not happen in a single step–ever. If you can keep your focus and not try to accomplish everything in one step, you can bring back the love in your relationship without being a doormat or a controller. If you need someone to help you deal with your fears and insecurities and keep you on track (and keep you from pushing your spouse away further), there also is no shame in that. There are points in our life where we all need help from someone.
So, GOOD LUCK
